Ride or Die

I always have envied any relationship that has this title. Whether it be family, friends, or romantic partner. I felt like that is the most envied trait to obtain. Don’t get me wrong, I get that you need your ride or die to be honest with you as well. But that person will always have your best interest at heart and strives to give as much as they get. 

Well, for too damn long my ride or die has been Drugs.  The things I was willing to do for drugs. Who I shut down and out for drugs. The toxic relationship I’ve been in to enable me to get my drugs. 

Well I know that now that the ultimate ride or die is GOD. I have always believed in God and considered myself a Christian, but putting him above everything? Imma keep it a hundred– that’s not been in my heart. I’ve wanted what I’ve wanted , not what he’s wanted. 

I want to love Jesus like I’ve loved drugs and oblivion. Love him more than my children. To search for Him as relentlessly as I did when I would be running low on dope. Instead of dialing the entire directory of dealers I knew, I should’ve been digging through the Bible and searching for his Peace. I see this now. 

I have no idea how He can love us despite our shortcomings, but I know He is watching and guiding the steps I take. I know that He is the ONLY reason I have come this far. 

I tried killing myself several times in my life. I thank Him for not allowing the plans to take seed. My children would of never been born if it had, nor would I see what I am capable of when I place my trust in the One and Only King of Kings. I just wanted to take the time to let any and all know that I’m grateful and humbled to know what I know today. I’m thankful for Jesus dying for me and everyone else, regardless if they believe in Him or not. He loves you just like He loves me. 
xEmilie Annex
-Jesus replied, I tell you the TRUTH, everyone who sins is a slave to sin. John 8:34 –

Still the same. BUT

So it’s midway from this journey of pain for myself. I see that tomorrow will be day 17. I’ve decided to up the ante and start to run everyday. It’s to fight off the depression that’s coming. And it’s coming. I’ve fought depression most of my life and luckily I have prescription to help , but it’s not enough. I’m used to drugs to dump chemical substances into this jacked up brain of mine and it’s been gone for awhile. I need something to help. My energy level has been nonexistent. I feel like a 90 year old woman hobbling around. I feel achy climbing stairs, and really general movement at all. 

BUT I feel like there is something that I stumbled onto by pure coincidence. I had a script for clonidine for my blood pressure years ago and I found out that it helps with Dts. So I’m going to take it tonite before bed to help with sleep. I think it will help me sleep to get some much needed rest. Rest is what will help me accomplish running 🏃. 

I will update with results.  As for now, I’m still hurting everywhere, and my appetite is. It really there. But I am eating healthy when I do eat.  

Wish me luck 😉

eMMy

Does it Everrrrr End?

So today is exactly 2 weeks since my last dose of 1 mg. I didn’t really taper, so the extreme of the Withdrawls is to be expected. The first 5 days was a lotta yawning, Sweating, anxiousness, general aching. 

Day 8 was Diarrhea, Sour Stomach, and Insomnia started. Legs ,covers arms switching and tossing and turning. Lots of tears. 

I understand it’s going to be at least another 2 weeks of this. 😢😪😖😜😡😣😖😤

I’m taking naproxen, Imodium , and also Tylenol and Melatonin to help with the symptoms. Also lots of water so from the diarrhea so I don’t dehydrate. Lots of fast racing pulse in the middle of the night. 

This is just a post on what’s really happening right now. Honestly this is the hardest part. I am hanging on by threads but I’m just as determined as I was on day one. 

Anyone out there who knows there’s a God, Pray for me. I know HE will be the only one to replace the addiction with peace and love. 

Thank you for following this crazy journey of mine. 

Everything happens at once.

So I’ve not posted for a minute because of a lot going on in my personal life. Besides the enormous task of coming off of buprenorphine, (which has been not as bad as I thought, actually) My 10 year marriage has dissolved in the worst way ever. 

For the past 3 years, my husband has been stealing money and meds from me. I had a guy feeling this was happening and confronted him many times to him to deny it repeatedly. I do have ADHD and am on the Autism Spectrum so I thought ‘Man Imma Mess! Can’t ever keep up with things.’ Well I caught him red handed and he let me know it was my fault that he had to steal. 

Things escalated fast and for the 2nd (& last time) He choked me so hard I couldn’t breathe. I thought it was over. As if this isn’t crazy enough, our 8 year old daughter saw this. 

I called 911. He his where he belongs. But he could be getting out on bond. I’m so fucking confused I don’t know how I got here but I’m here nonetheless. 

I haven’t used in 6 days. Diarrhea, headaches, dizziness, and generally aching is really what has been the worst. And it’s been for 6 days no let up. Most drugs or opiates are out of your body in 72 hours. Not the case for me. 

I know that this is going to allow me to grow mentally and spiritually in many ways. But for today I feel sorry for myself. I won’t stay here , but it’s how I feel. I feel used and cheap. Worthless and unloveable. I know that is Satan speaking. I know God will get me and my children through. I just need a minute to mourn. I thought I knew the man I married better. It shows my lack of judgement. My life is just so crazy right now. 

I appreciated all the comments before , and if I have not responded it’s bc I haven’t had time to think. 

I will post more soon.  This is hope for someone out there that thinks they are stuck. I’m going through the hardest thing on top of withdrawals and I’m getting through it. If I can, so can you. It’s not easy but when you’ve reached your bs limit you will give it up. 

God Bless,

Emmy

Going thru it


I totally am feeling like my whole life is crumbling. And no, it’s not fun. I totally didn’t realize how much Buprenorphine has been a way to cope in my life for so long. I don’t even know one thing about myself dealing with conflict. I’ve avoided it for so long I don’t know how to respond. So I usually don’t, at all. I just wait until my next dose. So, this is just a day that I am going on crumbs. ( About 4 mg) So I am dreading when I’m at 0. I am still determined, but I was more prepared for the physical effects, not the mental ones. I have let my standards and morals go out the window for so long I’m really feeling heavy with guilt for the example my children have seen. No standing up for what’s right. Just dealing with it. And that is SO WRONG. IM DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF. I am going to get this right. I am just so disappointed with how long it’s taken me. I was so proud of myself for getting help when I first started treatment, I didn’t realize that the meds they gave me were probably worse than what I was self administrating.
This is how I feel today. I’m smart enough to know it is going to get better, but also smart enough to know it’s not at worst yet.

Also my kids have deserved better for way too long.
eM*

The Worst (& Best) is yet to come….

Hello. I’m not sure if this will be something that interests many, but I do hope that someone out there trying to get answers on what it will be like going through DTs of Buprenorphine will have some help here. I have tried to stretch my last prescription and will have to go cold turkey starting very soon. I have cut myself from the 16 mg to 8 the past week and believe it’s been real. Lots of yawning and plenty of messed up stomach.  I know that it’s going to get very real very soon. I have a state job and I hope I can tough this out without losing it. But I refuse to let what I’ve read online dictate what’s going to be my experience.

When the first day of having absolutely nothing gets here, I will post again.

 

xoxo

*eM*

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