I totally am feeling like my whole life is crumbling. And no, it’s not fun. I totally didn’t realize how much Buprenorphine has been a way to cope in my life for so long. I don’t even know one thing about myself dealing with conflict. I’ve avoided it for so long I don’t know how to respond. So I usually don’t, at all. I just wait until my next dose. So, this is just a day that I am going on crumbs. ( About 4 mg) So I am dreading when I’m at 0. I am still determined, but I was more prepared for the physical effects, not the mental ones. I have let my standards and morals go out the window for so long I’m really feeling heavy with guilt for the example my children have seen. No standing up for what’s right. Just dealing with it. And that is SO WRONG. IM DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF. I am going to get this right. I am just so disappointed with how long it’s taken me. I was so proud of myself for getting help when I first started treatment, I didn’t realize that the meds they gave me were probably worse than what I was self administrating.
This is how I feel today. I’m smart enough to know it is going to get better, but also smart enough to know it’s not at worst yet.
Also my kids have deserved better for way too long.