Going thru it

I totally am feeling like my whole life is crumbling. And no, it’s not fun. I didn’t realize how much Buprenorphine has been a way to cope in my life for so long. I don’t even know one thing about myself dealing with conflict. I’ve avoided it for so long I don’t know how to respond. So I don’t, at all. I just wait until my next dose. So, this is just a day that I am going on crumbs. ( About 4 mg) So I am dreading when I’m at 0. I am still determined, but I was more prepared for the physical effects, not the mental ones. I have let my standards and morals go out the window for so long I’m really feeling heavy with guilt for the example my children have seen. Not standing up for what’s right. Just dealing with it. And that is SO WRONG. IM DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF!! I am going to get this right. I am just so disappointed with how long it’s taken me. I was so proud of myself for getting help when I first started treatment, I didn’t realize that the meds they gave me were probably worse than what I was self administrating.
This is how I feel today. I’m smart enough to know it is going to get better, but also smart enough to know it’s not at worst yet.

Also my kids have deserved better for way too long.


13 thoughts on “Going thru it

  1. Great posts and great strength. You got this! Can I ask what the medication is and what it was for? I could google it i know but figured I may not be the only one who doesnt know… blessinz ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I may be coming in a little late on this one. I hope you have successfully shed the meds. If not, at least you are aware of what they are doing to you and your family. For me, the turning point was awareness of what was REALLY going on. Once that hit home, I didn’t stop immediately. I was still trying to find a painless way, but it was not to be. Using highlighted what I now knew and quitting brought forth reality (ouch). I finally decided that using would make my despair go on forever. Quitting had the possibility of short-term pain and long-term gain. I gave it my best shot and it worked. Never stop trying. There is a solution for you and you will find it.

    Liked by 1 person

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